Questions on Courting

[kidlovinmommy]

I have questions about courting. I would like all of your opinions and experiences please.

1. At what age does a girl get ready to be courted?

2. How much of an age difference do you allow?

3. At what age does a girl begin her hope chest?

4. What activities do you allow during courting?

5. How in the world do you find boys who are pure of heart and living for our Lord and know how to treat a Christian girl?

I was looking at all of the teenage boys that we know and there is just no way that I would ever allow my daughters to be courted by any of them. At the church that we had been attending, there were boys who said they had been called into the ministry but still wear their jeans below their bottoms with the boxers hanging out the top and those sloppy, gigantic tshirts, act like hoodlums, some are even not virgins at 16/17, most cuss and lie.

The other morning, Elizabeth and I were sitting at the breakfast table and she says, "I wonder what my husband is doing today? I wonder if he is getting ready to go back to ps or if he is homeschooled? I wonder if he prays for me like I pray for him?" That really got me thinking....

Thank you for your input,
Sister Denise

[Brother Ben]

First of all, let me say, this is an excellent and needful topic. One of the reasons Darlene and I started looking for some other type of church group experience, within scriptural correctness, was because of the UNGODLY youth we were seeing in "good" "fundamentalist" churches. We were grieved! I won't even begin to go into the stories.

We did have a good church in Texas once that held a pretty high standard in regards to dating and courting. When it came to dating...THERE WAS NONE, ecxept for rebels and their rebel or unwise parents.

As our youth director put it, "Dating is just youth marriage and divorce, if I don't like this one, I'll just break up, and get another one!" And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high IN THE CHURCH.

They would make the intersted young people (mostly Bible college students, but not exclusively) sit one pew apart in the auditorium, after services while everyone was still standing around talking. They could do this, or be with a chaparone (sp?) family situation.

In answer to your questions:
1. At what age does a girl get ready to be courted?
When she is ready to get married. If she is not mature enough to get married, or there is not a good, godly, solid, young man who is interested. Leave it alone. Don't cave in to pressures from family, friends, etc. They may not have the vision you have for a godly heritage. Darlene and I knew a sister in Texas. She was in her 30's. She waited and honored the Lord. The Lord sent a young man to our church who had left his parents Christian home. He came home in his 30's, got saved, gave his life over to the ministry... oh, and married sister Connie. They now serve the Lord as missionaries to Brazil.

2. How much of an age difference do you allow?

I guess that one is going to be up to you, you would have to pray and have peace about it, but I wouldn't want more than 10 years. I robbed the craddle. I am (going to be in a couple of days) 43, Darlene is 34. We didn't know anything about courting. We only learned about that in the 90's at a good church in Texas.

3. At what age does a girl begin her hope chest?
I'm leaving that one up to the sisters.

4. What activities do you allow during courting?
What ever the families are doing. We DO NOT believe or agree with "dating" environments. If the young man loves the Lord, he is going to be a family man. He will not mind being at either parents house, or with the family during family activities. Again, I knew a GOOD BOY in Texas at a relatively solid Fundamentalist baptis church. He went off to a well known Fundamentalist Bible college. Darlene and I noticed, to our disappointment, that he and his girl friend always went off alone, even before they both with off to college. Before long we got the story. She was pregnant out of weddlock. It broke our hearts. I do not say this with any kind of vindictiveness. God in His mercy can pick up the pieces. That's what He gets alot of these days, from our youth, pieces.

5. How in the world do you find boys who are pure of heart and living for our Lord and know how to treat a Christian girl?

Find a church were the pastor, his family, and the families of the church have a vision for their youth (this does not mean, paintball night!) There are a few out there, you will have to be diligent, do your homework, pray about it, and remember, God knows the whereabouts of your childs mate. You must have faith. Look for churches that are practicing the kinds of things you believe.

Be of good courage, God is still on His throne! He is El Elyom, the Mighty God!

Bro. Ben

[MrsDeweySmith]

Good Morning Denise

I love your post -- wonderful questions. I am going to watch and learn from those that respond

Our eldest, Christopher (19 next month), has a very dear friend, Kirsten, he has known for several years (from Illinois). They were both involved in a re-enactment group up north. They have a great friendship, and I can see where it could move into courtship unto marriage should the Lord choose.
Recently, he has come to us and asked our opinion of her, her family, etc. They have had many talks (via phone...they have never been alone, and we don't *date* even in groups...) and her mother is often included in the conversations (Kirsten does not enter into anything without the strict oversight of her mother and she dearly covets the opinions and experience of her mother...) They are a very conservative family, but are not on the 'plain' side...they homeschool and Kirsten is very devoted to her studies, preparing herself for wife or single life as the Lord calls, etc. There is nothing in her that I see that does not bear a wonderful fruit. I do not believe you could ask for a greater daughter-in-law
They have, with her mother, had conversations about how they feel their lives are leading, what calls they feel they have, how they would like to live out their faith and so on. Her mother is very involved in what goes on, they know our stand on dating, our beliefs, and that we believe in courtship unto marriage (I've known some families who call it courtship, but really it's just organized dating...)
Neither one is prepared for marriage yet -- Kirsten wants to pursue some additional schooling (nursing experience, I believe) beyond her graduation, and Christopher still has maturing and faith development needed in his life. He is not prepared to undertake something as sacred and bonding as marriage yet, not in faith and not in practicality, and thankfully, he realizes this.

Hope chests....we already have one started with Jennifer, our eldest daughter (she is turning 13 this November) and plan to work on filling it with many items she will handcraft herself, as well as practical-use items needed to begin homekeeping on her own. She was 10 when she received it (a close friend of ours built it for her....I think now, having done this once, we will wait until their 13th birthday or there about, to present the chest with the others. We are also looking at purity rings, but that's another post... We are deciding how to approach this special year for Jennifer. We have a few thoughts, but nothing definite in mind yet. (best get moving on it if we're planning anything! November is just around the corner!)

Activities during courting....I guess I always thought it would flow naturally, and the Lord would present opportunities for us. Family picnics, family worships, etc. I don't believe children should be running around together with other groups of peers, kwim? Even within a church gathering. There needs to be designated over-see-ers, chaperones, who are there only for the purpose of keeping things open and without cause for incident. Even then, the heart cannot always be under chaperon, and it needs to be guarded even more closely! I am anxious to hear what others think on this area.

Age, I would think, would vary in each child. They need to have developed a maturity, and an understanding of the call to courtship and their faith. Some may have that understanding earlier than others. I'm not saying start a path to courtship when they are 12 if they show they are mature , but even at that tender age, I think you can see where their heart is in the matter. I fully believe that courtship should lead to marriage...if a friendship is there, yet they do not see a commitment of marriage ahead of them, that is not a courtship to pursue, kwim? Courtship to marriage to me, would mean that as they pursue their courtship, they could prepare for marriage at any point in that courtship, so they would need some age behind them.

Goodness, I am full of rambles these past days! I think I should go back to hiding in the wings, reading and not posting so much!

Deanna

[benshelpmeet]

Dear sisters,

Courtship is a very important step. A person should be ready to marry the person they want to court. We ask our boys to wait until they are 21, ( like we have seen work very well for many godly christians we know. )

As for a hope chest my oldest girl is going to be 14 in Dec and she does not even think of boys in that way and I'm glad. ( she still plays with baby dolls ) We try to keep her mind pure as long as possible. We do not go to worldly churches and we do not let her mingle with the oppisite sex even when fellowshipping with other families. We teach her that chaste godly young ladies hang around the girls and women folk. We watch worldly acting girls closely that there conversation is pure. This is not always easy when tring to work with families comming out of the world and still partially in the world, but we as parents must be diligent, we must keep our pure girls close and keep a keen eye open and an attentive ear open to their conversations. Your girls should be close to you like the mother daughter relationship Deanna spoke of in her post ( Kristen and her Mom. )

We do not even worry about getting a hope chest ready yet, we have many years before we want them day dreaming and thinking about that sort of thing. It keeps their mind pure longer and their hearts close to home. We will probably not even worry about that for some time yet. I know it is a pretty popular subject in books and on the web. Most christian parents are just having to deal with these issues, ( purity rings and hope chest ) because the world is rapeing our precious daughters at an eairly age and causing their minds to become unpure ,and christians have began to see the world creeping in and they want to guide them in a pure way so they come up with purity rings and push people to do hope chests at an eairly age. I 've seen the christian magazines and web discussions. It sounds pretty neat but it's not for me and the direction we're taking our family. ( this is my two cents worth as it were) I know sister Deanna has read alot over the years about hope chest and I understand her heart on this subject. She is a sweet sister who trys hard to do whats right.


I do not know about a purity ring. I would rather our daughters not get into wareing jewlery because one exception leads to another. Their purity should run much deeper than a pretty ring that every body sees. A chaste pure girl carries herself in such a way that everyone can see that she is pure in heart and action and waiting for the right life mate. ( young girls should not have to worry or think of such things as purity. )

We as parents need to work hard at keep our children pure from the worldly influances Friends, TV and Videos and DVD's, Wrong music ( not just the words but the beat! ), Wrong kind of Books and Magazines, etc. Keep them close hang around other godly people that believe and practice the way you do. You might have to drive far or move to find this type of fellowship. We visit Amish and Mennonite groups we know of. It is very good for our family to see their are those who do not flirt with the world or compromise.

We would like our girls to wait until they are 19 or 20 to get married.


4. What activities do you allow during courting?

Our son will not be going off in a car alone like Bro. Ben mentioned. He will be shaperoned by the Dad and Mom of eaither family. We pray for the Lord to keep our son pure and unspotted by the world. We also pray for the Lord to guide his precious footsteps and help him to make wise decissions. It is a very scarry thing to not have a good church or group of people to church with. We have tried to find like-minded people through starting this site. We hope the Lord will put together a strong group of believers but if not I guess the Lord will guide our family elsewhere. God is faithful I do no that. My son does not want to marry a Baptist girl because he has never met one yet that is unspotted by this world. Kept pure by her family for marrage. She might be a vergin in body but not in spirit or outward aperance, and worldly leanings. My son has seen the Mennonites and how they behave themselves in a pure and godly manner. Our doctrine is the only thing that seperates us unfortunatly.

5. How in the world do you find boys who are pure of heart and living for our Lord and know how to treat a Christian girl?

We as baptist need to make sure our girls are being kept pure in mind and body, outward aperance and actions and desires. So when a godly boy does come across their path he will find her to be the type of wife he's looking for. There are godly boys out there, God knows where they are. We do not worry to much about this. We just do our part and trust and know the Lord will do the rest ( His part ).

I hope this has been helpful. Love, ~ sister Darlene ~

[MrsDeweySmith]

I have a question, and I've thought about how to word myself -- my first thought was I sounded like I was 'picking a fight' or something -- [glow=red,2,300]definitely not my intention[/glow]. I'm just mulling over some thoughts, trying to get things clear. I tend to put far too much thought into things at times

You mentioned purity/thought as well as heart and physical purity in your post. I do agree whole-heartedly. Daughters being raised to think 'boy crazy' at such young ages, etc. And how your oldest daughter, though into her teen years, still plays with baby dolls. I'm trying to sort it all out in my mind I guess...

When we have our daughters play with baby dolls (rather than the popular ones the world plays with...Barbie and other ones), aren't we doing that so that they will be playing, yet learning, to care for a baby at some point in their lives? They copy how we care for our own babies. Same with teaching them to help around the home, help with younger siblings, and other areas that will fold over into homekeeping for themselves someday. Preparing them to set up their own homekeeping, whether it be as a married woman, or a single woman, depending on God's leading in their lives.

I understand there is a difference, fundamentally, between this sort of thing and preparing a hope chest with the intent of using it for marriage someday, thus bring thoughts of boys into the picture. I suppose I thought that my daughters playing with dolls, and playing house as young ones, they were imaging their lives at some farther point in time. Not necessarily thinking about boys in that sense, but thinking on their being Mommy and having a home of their own.

I definitely don't advocate boy day-dreaming, but I believe all girls will, at some point, imagine out their life as a wife and mother. Those with a worldly bent might be looking more at the aesthetics of married life...handsome husband, elaborate wedding, perfect household, finances and such; where a God-focused daughter of Sarah will be looking more at the call of being a wife, mother and homekeeper...but still, those day-dreams will be there, kwim?

A purity ring, I will admit, I had not looked at as some worldly fad. I viewed it as a mature sign of a covenant made between a daughter and the Lord. It is, in my mind, merely an outward expression of that covenant promise. I fully believe in headship veiling as a Scriptural mandate for women, yet I understand that many who come to this conviction (having not been raised in that atmosphere, coming to it later in their life) generally view it as an outward symbol to the world-at-large of their submission and place within the Godly structure. They could follow the Lord with or without it, yet they feel compelled to share that testimony of conviction with the world by means of an outward expression. The purity ring is along those lines in my mind and heart.

Perhaps I am getting muddy As I said, I tend to think on things too much at times. This could just be one of those times. I look forward to hearing comments and discussion. Do share with me if I am truly looking at these things from a wrong, or misunderstood perception.

Deanna