Post by sherri2 on Aug 31, 2004 23:29:32 GMT -5
I don't know how to begin this. I don't often speak very eloquently, i'm blunt and have a lot to learn about opening my mouth in wisdom (proverbs 31:26). So i will tell my testimony in all it's sloppiness and vile truth and hope that in the end ya'll can see what an awesome God i serve! And just like the story about the 2 people who were both forgiven, one with a small debt and one with an enormous debt, who loved the one who forgave him more? Probably the one who was forgiven more... God has brought me out of some much. He is so good to me.
Ok, i was born to a very disturbed woman. She was a drug addict, concieved me out of wed lock, then married my father...who turned out to be a VERY disturbed pedophile. Beatings were normal, everything was my fault as a child, and it was certain that i knew it. At 3 yrs i was taken from their care. I was so close to the mental breaking point i was unable to take the stand in court to put this man in prison. He still roams in Colorado to this day, un pegged as a child molestor and rapist. I was placed in foster care for 6 mos, then into another home of a couple who would adopt me. I will call them my parents from this point on. My mom was the one who listened to the stories i told her of the abuse i went through, and still went through with each unsupervised visit. AS i told my mom what had happened, aweful memories awoke in her mind as well. At the same time her bipolar disorder appeared at the most inopertune time. Three years later i was adopted, and immediately afterwards she was hospitalized for 6 years. This devastated me. I hated God. I had so many questions and no answers. My father also hated God, for his own reasons, and we fueled each others' personal anti-christ. For years my disdain for Jesus grew into something that would control me on every level. Although he never wanted for me the life i chose as a teenager my dad didn't realy know how to stop me either. If he so much as lifted a finger to spank me i knew i could call CPS and i'd be out of there in a heart beat. i was out of control, rebellious doesn't even begin to describe my behavior and lashing out at the world. By the time i was 13 i was a whore. I loved it. I knew what i wanted, i knew men liked me for what i could give them, to me it was the ideal life for me! I remember thinking "why is prostitution so looked down upon? This is great! I get all the <<bleep>> i want and all the money i want. I want to do this for the rest of my life!!" Yes i thought that way right up until my unexpected salvation. I was a theif, a whore, liar, covetous, any bad thing in the Bible, i was. I worshipped Satan, truely worshipped him. The very name of Jesus brought my demons to the surface and my mouth would spew words that my mind isn't even allowed to recall, let alone share here. Some time during my teenage years my mom got religious again. I hated it. I hated her. She beat me every time we disagreed. Her Bipolar was left untreated (wrong meds the whole time) and raging like a fire. I tried to kill myself 6 times, different methods. Pills i threw them up and my boyfriend at the time found me throwing up alone in a feild, and ran to get help. i wanted to run and hide, but i couldn't stand. (that's God's saving me) I tried a gun, i kept pulling the trigger, safety was on, i got the safety off, and pulled and pulled and pulled, the bullets never fired. That's God. I made deep cuts in my arms and hips and watched my blood flow quickly from my body... until it clotted. That's God. While i was in a mental ward i found a blade and tried to cut deep enough again, but the blade was too small, it was only from a pencil sharpener. That's God. I tried to get a gun from a guy i knew, all he could get me was a machine gun, and that just didn't seem fitting, lol. That too was God... With all my whoring around i never got pregnant, and i never got a disease. That's God. Still i hated Him and rejected Him. I killed animals because i just didn't like them, i stole time and time again, and never went to prison. My mouth, ohhhh the things that flowed freely from my mouth, the filth. I practiced bisexuality for 4 years. I could go on and on... Then one day i met a guy who thought the world of me despite ME. lol I have no idea what he saw in me or why he would ever want to hang out with a person like me, but he did. And he asked me to marry him. He was in Kosovo when he proposed over the phone. I had to finish high school, and plan a wedding. The funny thing is is that i HAD to get married in a church, it was just a given. I went to church after church looking around for the prettiest church. Most turned me away cuz i wasn't a member, nor saved. None told me about Jesus and His free salvation. I found 2 churches that would be willing to marry us, but both ended up canceling our wedding so they could hold their Christmas Contada. Then i called the prettiest church of all. They told me to come in one sunday for a service that way i could get the full feel for the church, and i would get a private tour afterwards. I saw his ploy but went along with it anyway. I walked in in my black gothic atire, and whorish makeup, and plopped down carelessly into the pew. I turned my head and saw a man signing to a group of Deaf believers, that's where my eyes stayed for the entire service. A guest speaker by the name of Bro. Capaci of Hot Springs, Arkansas delivered the message that morning. " I stand at the door and KNOCK!" he preached with power! I was having a good time watching that signer keep up with the preaching, his hands looked as if they were going to burst into flames, i'd never seen anything so fast in my life! I was in awe. Jesus grabed my heart, and for the first time i allowed myself to hear that KNOCK that Bro. Capaci preached about. See, i'd known Jesus was there, i always knew, even when i publically denied his very existance time and time again. Jesus was knocking. I got my tour afterwards. I remember the associate Pastor asking questions about me and any decisions for chirst i probably didn't make yet, but i don't remember anything beyond that. Later that night it was time to check out my moms church. And i tell ya! The Holy Spirit landed on top of me like a ton of bricks! All of a sudden i watched myself write "I think i can do this Jesus thing" on the church program and pass it to my mom. It was an outer body experience it what it was!! LOL My mom said, "well go up there and ask for Jesus to come into your life then!" So i did. Right there in the middle of the preaching i walked up the center aisle, and looked at the pastor. He didn't know what was goin on, never had someone interrrupt him before. He knelt down, i told him i wanted Jesus. He got excited, and immediatley called for a lady to come get me and show me the road to asking Jesus in my heart. My mom says she turned and saw a few people stand up and wildly, but silently applaud my decision. i didn't see that. lol And right then i asked Jesus into my heart. I didn't know what i was doing but i knew it was right. I didn't know what i was supposed to be doing after that, but God sure told me what i WASN'T to do anymore! Amen! Within 2 mos of my decison, i had smashed and burned in a bon fire all my worldly CD's (Marilyn Manson, White Zombie, NIN, BAAAD STUFF!) i only wore dresses, i no longer commited fornication, my body was completely covered, my mouth hasn't said a swear word with the exception of 2 times since my salvatin 5 1/2 years ago. I was truely a new creation in Christ! I was Born Again on April 11, 1999. That is where i came from. Sometimes i pray to forget all that filth i lived. Then there's times like these when i want to keep it so i can show people how GREAT God is, and that He is truely bigger than ALL your problems and addictions. God has truely been GOOD to me! Sorry this is so long...
Ok, i was born to a very disturbed woman. She was a drug addict, concieved me out of wed lock, then married my father...who turned out to be a VERY disturbed pedophile. Beatings were normal, everything was my fault as a child, and it was certain that i knew it. At 3 yrs i was taken from their care. I was so close to the mental breaking point i was unable to take the stand in court to put this man in prison. He still roams in Colorado to this day, un pegged as a child molestor and rapist. I was placed in foster care for 6 mos, then into another home of a couple who would adopt me. I will call them my parents from this point on. My mom was the one who listened to the stories i told her of the abuse i went through, and still went through with each unsupervised visit. AS i told my mom what had happened, aweful memories awoke in her mind as well. At the same time her bipolar disorder appeared at the most inopertune time. Three years later i was adopted, and immediately afterwards she was hospitalized for 6 years. This devastated me. I hated God. I had so many questions and no answers. My father also hated God, for his own reasons, and we fueled each others' personal anti-christ. For years my disdain for Jesus grew into something that would control me on every level. Although he never wanted for me the life i chose as a teenager my dad didn't realy know how to stop me either. If he so much as lifted a finger to spank me i knew i could call CPS and i'd be out of there in a heart beat. i was out of control, rebellious doesn't even begin to describe my behavior and lashing out at the world. By the time i was 13 i was a whore. I loved it. I knew what i wanted, i knew men liked me for what i could give them, to me it was the ideal life for me! I remember thinking "why is prostitution so looked down upon? This is great! I get all the <<bleep>> i want and all the money i want. I want to do this for the rest of my life!!" Yes i thought that way right up until my unexpected salvation. I was a theif, a whore, liar, covetous, any bad thing in the Bible, i was. I worshipped Satan, truely worshipped him. The very name of Jesus brought my demons to the surface and my mouth would spew words that my mind isn't even allowed to recall, let alone share here. Some time during my teenage years my mom got religious again. I hated it. I hated her. She beat me every time we disagreed. Her Bipolar was left untreated (wrong meds the whole time) and raging like a fire. I tried to kill myself 6 times, different methods. Pills i threw them up and my boyfriend at the time found me throwing up alone in a feild, and ran to get help. i wanted to run and hide, but i couldn't stand. (that's God's saving me) I tried a gun, i kept pulling the trigger, safety was on, i got the safety off, and pulled and pulled and pulled, the bullets never fired. That's God. I made deep cuts in my arms and hips and watched my blood flow quickly from my body... until it clotted. That's God. While i was in a mental ward i found a blade and tried to cut deep enough again, but the blade was too small, it was only from a pencil sharpener. That's God. I tried to get a gun from a guy i knew, all he could get me was a machine gun, and that just didn't seem fitting, lol. That too was God... With all my whoring around i never got pregnant, and i never got a disease. That's God. Still i hated Him and rejected Him. I killed animals because i just didn't like them, i stole time and time again, and never went to prison. My mouth, ohhhh the things that flowed freely from my mouth, the filth. I practiced bisexuality for 4 years. I could go on and on... Then one day i met a guy who thought the world of me despite ME. lol I have no idea what he saw in me or why he would ever want to hang out with a person like me, but he did. And he asked me to marry him. He was in Kosovo when he proposed over the phone. I had to finish high school, and plan a wedding. The funny thing is is that i HAD to get married in a church, it was just a given. I went to church after church looking around for the prettiest church. Most turned me away cuz i wasn't a member, nor saved. None told me about Jesus and His free salvation. I found 2 churches that would be willing to marry us, but both ended up canceling our wedding so they could hold their Christmas Contada. Then i called the prettiest church of all. They told me to come in one sunday for a service that way i could get the full feel for the church, and i would get a private tour afterwards. I saw his ploy but went along with it anyway. I walked in in my black gothic atire, and whorish makeup, and plopped down carelessly into the pew. I turned my head and saw a man signing to a group of Deaf believers, that's where my eyes stayed for the entire service. A guest speaker by the name of Bro. Capaci of Hot Springs, Arkansas delivered the message that morning. " I stand at the door and KNOCK!" he preached with power! I was having a good time watching that signer keep up with the preaching, his hands looked as if they were going to burst into flames, i'd never seen anything so fast in my life! I was in awe. Jesus grabed my heart, and for the first time i allowed myself to hear that KNOCK that Bro. Capaci preached about. See, i'd known Jesus was there, i always knew, even when i publically denied his very existance time and time again. Jesus was knocking. I got my tour afterwards. I remember the associate Pastor asking questions about me and any decisions for chirst i probably didn't make yet, but i don't remember anything beyond that. Later that night it was time to check out my moms church. And i tell ya! The Holy Spirit landed on top of me like a ton of bricks! All of a sudden i watched myself write "I think i can do this Jesus thing" on the church program and pass it to my mom. It was an outer body experience it what it was!! LOL My mom said, "well go up there and ask for Jesus to come into your life then!" So i did. Right there in the middle of the preaching i walked up the center aisle, and looked at the pastor. He didn't know what was goin on, never had someone interrrupt him before. He knelt down, i told him i wanted Jesus. He got excited, and immediatley called for a lady to come get me and show me the road to asking Jesus in my heart. My mom says she turned and saw a few people stand up and wildly, but silently applaud my decision. i didn't see that. lol And right then i asked Jesus into my heart. I didn't know what i was doing but i knew it was right. I didn't know what i was supposed to be doing after that, but God sure told me what i WASN'T to do anymore! Amen! Within 2 mos of my decison, i had smashed and burned in a bon fire all my worldly CD's (Marilyn Manson, White Zombie, NIN, BAAAD STUFF!) i only wore dresses, i no longer commited fornication, my body was completely covered, my mouth hasn't said a swear word with the exception of 2 times since my salvatin 5 1/2 years ago. I was truely a new creation in Christ! I was Born Again on April 11, 1999. That is where i came from. Sometimes i pray to forget all that filth i lived. Then there's times like these when i want to keep it so i can show people how GREAT God is, and that He is truely bigger than ALL your problems and addictions. God has truely been GOOD to me! Sorry this is so long...
Someone that you know of, Denny Kenaston, he said in one of his tapes entitles "The Christian and the World" 'do you look at the world as a play ground, or as a battle feild? Are you so happy to live in all THIS america??? With all our ammusements, and all our rebelliousness, and all this place to play? Do you play in this play ground or do you fight in this battle feild?' Those words will forever ring in my ears. Do i play, or do i chose to fight? I pray God would sustain me to fight for the souls. I ray for all of us christians to sustain in the name of Jesus....