Post by mitchell on Jun 15, 2008 11:48:17 GMT -5
Dear Brother Ben,
There is a very stressful situation in my husband's family involving my husband's brother and his wife where I am, after many years of walking on eggshells and juggling this problem as best as I can without confrontation, I am now to the end of my rope and want to drastically reduce the amount of time I have to spend around this BIL and SIL.
First of all, my mother-in-law is almost 85 and lives in the house with them, they having first of all moved into the house with her almost twenty years ago. She expects us down there weekly, which has become a little bit less lately since gasoline has gotten so high.
My problem is that we go in her area of the house and the BIL and SIL come in and sit with us and "talk". . which would be okay under normal circumstances. (I will add that they are Catholic, she being German - and while I understand that she cannot help being German - there is only one way to do anything, and that is the Catholic way and the German way.)
The main problem with the BIL is that he, for years, has made it crystal clear that he does not like me - he has on numerous occasions appeared to be lying in wait in order to "zap" me with some remark or other to the effect of "that's NOT your place" or "that's NOT your business" AS IF I'm trying to meddle in his or his wife's affairs. Let me assure you that I DO NOT CARE WHAT THEY DO, they can push or pull their little red wagon. He will use any word from me as an excuse to lay into me with some barb or the other. Having to sit under him for an hour or two when we go visit their mother, having to be sure to parse every word and walk on eggshells to be sure I don't say any inadvertent word that he can even loosely construe as being "bossy or meddling". He just fairly seems to delight in "zapping" me. He uses "hugging", traditionally a family greeting, as a means of punishment - that is to say, he shuns the women in the family he's mad at or doesn't like, while making a show of hugging others. (Frankly, I am less and less keen on this particular tradition anyway, either among male family members or at the command of a preacher to their congregations to "now, everybody hug!", so I'm certainly not broken up about his decision to shun me in this practice. So that's no problem.)
His wife's treatment of me is better, but she does seem to delight in getting me in front of a huge crowd of people and humiliating me (making remarks to me that would hurt her feelings if I made them to her) in front of them. Of course, the loud German accent makes it all okay.
I have told my husband recently that I MUST be allowed to curtail my visits down there to no more than once a month, and then if I survive this stuff and live past the time when his mother is gone, I don't wish to go there but about once a year, if that, when their kids are home maybe. Let me hasten to add that I am NOT telling my husband not to go there at any time he wishes, but I am tired also of having to go there every holiday and put up with his rudeness. (It was every week and sometimes twice a week for a long time that we were down there.) Constantly being under a strain in this BIL's presence is affecting my health and not in a good way. He really hurt my feelings a while back by taking a photograph of me when I fell asleep in a chair and then putting it on computer and doing a hideous Weirdo Warp computer thing with it and putting it in his "funny album"! Let me tell you, he didn't do that to anyone else in the group other than his own mother (whom he was poisonously furious with at the time). I am not entirely sure but have a suspicion that he took the photo and showed it to a former boyfriend of mine just to be cute. - He is a teacher who is constantly criticizing his students and going on about how "stupid" they are and how they don't know anything, but then he brags about how "he will put his school system up against any in the country!" There is no way I would have him teaching a child of mine, and I feel sorry for the children he does have in his arrogant, condescending, overbearing (he speaks so harshly and arrogantly) presence.
For the past almost 20 yrs., we have very frequently picked up fried chicken, or barbecue or other carry out, or cooked and taken food intending to have a meal with my husband's parents. Their whole bunch (5 of them) would pile in and eat every time and without fail never contribute a dime to the cost of the meal. My husband just gave up after a while (his mother insisted) and made sure to get plenty of food for them as well. We do not sponge off them, but they have an amazing sense of entitlement. I think the SIL's attitude comes from being raised in a socialist environment in Europe. It gets tiresome, and my husband finally just stopped doing it after all these years.
This situation is getting real old and has been going on to one degree or the other for many years now. (My husband and I have been married for 43 yrs. and he just makes excuses for his family in general no matter what they do or don't do.)
The bottom line is that I just want to avoid them as much as I can. In fact, if it were just me to consider, I would move and not leave a forwarding address.
Wanda
P.S. This was long and I'm sorry. I only hit the low points, though.
There is a very stressful situation in my husband's family involving my husband's brother and his wife where I am, after many years of walking on eggshells and juggling this problem as best as I can without confrontation, I am now to the end of my rope and want to drastically reduce the amount of time I have to spend around this BIL and SIL.
First of all, my mother-in-law is almost 85 and lives in the house with them, they having first of all moved into the house with her almost twenty years ago. She expects us down there weekly, which has become a little bit less lately since gasoline has gotten so high.
My problem is that we go in her area of the house and the BIL and SIL come in and sit with us and "talk". . which would be okay under normal circumstances. (I will add that they are Catholic, she being German - and while I understand that she cannot help being German - there is only one way to do anything, and that is the Catholic way and the German way.)
The main problem with the BIL is that he, for years, has made it crystal clear that he does not like me - he has on numerous occasions appeared to be lying in wait in order to "zap" me with some remark or other to the effect of "that's NOT your place" or "that's NOT your business" AS IF I'm trying to meddle in his or his wife's affairs. Let me assure you that I DO NOT CARE WHAT THEY DO, they can push or pull their little red wagon. He will use any word from me as an excuse to lay into me with some barb or the other. Having to sit under him for an hour or two when we go visit their mother, having to be sure to parse every word and walk on eggshells to be sure I don't say any inadvertent word that he can even loosely construe as being "bossy or meddling". He just fairly seems to delight in "zapping" me. He uses "hugging", traditionally a family greeting, as a means of punishment - that is to say, he shuns the women in the family he's mad at or doesn't like, while making a show of hugging others. (Frankly, I am less and less keen on this particular tradition anyway, either among male family members or at the command of a preacher to their congregations to "now, everybody hug!", so I'm certainly not broken up about his decision to shun me in this practice. So that's no problem.)
His wife's treatment of me is better, but she does seem to delight in getting me in front of a huge crowd of people and humiliating me (making remarks to me that would hurt her feelings if I made them to her) in front of them. Of course, the loud German accent makes it all okay.
I have told my husband recently that I MUST be allowed to curtail my visits down there to no more than once a month, and then if I survive this stuff and live past the time when his mother is gone, I don't wish to go there but about once a year, if that, when their kids are home maybe. Let me hasten to add that I am NOT telling my husband not to go there at any time he wishes, but I am tired also of having to go there every holiday and put up with his rudeness. (It was every week and sometimes twice a week for a long time that we were down there.) Constantly being under a strain in this BIL's presence is affecting my health and not in a good way. He really hurt my feelings a while back by taking a photograph of me when I fell asleep in a chair and then putting it on computer and doing a hideous Weirdo Warp computer thing with it and putting it in his "funny album"! Let me tell you, he didn't do that to anyone else in the group other than his own mother (whom he was poisonously furious with at the time). I am not entirely sure but have a suspicion that he took the photo and showed it to a former boyfriend of mine just to be cute. - He is a teacher who is constantly criticizing his students and going on about how "stupid" they are and how they don't know anything, but then he brags about how "he will put his school system up against any in the country!" There is no way I would have him teaching a child of mine, and I feel sorry for the children he does have in his arrogant, condescending, overbearing (he speaks so harshly and arrogantly) presence.
For the past almost 20 yrs., we have very frequently picked up fried chicken, or barbecue or other carry out, or cooked and taken food intending to have a meal with my husband's parents. Their whole bunch (5 of them) would pile in and eat every time and without fail never contribute a dime to the cost of the meal. My husband just gave up after a while (his mother insisted) and made sure to get plenty of food for them as well. We do not sponge off them, but they have an amazing sense of entitlement. I think the SIL's attitude comes from being raised in a socialist environment in Europe. It gets tiresome, and my husband finally just stopped doing it after all these years.
This situation is getting real old and has been going on to one degree or the other for many years now. (My husband and I have been married for 43 yrs. and he just makes excuses for his family in general no matter what they do or don't do.)
The bottom line is that I just want to avoid them as much as I can. In fact, if it were just me to consider, I would move and not leave a forwarding address.
Wanda
P.S. This was long and I'm sorry. I only hit the low points, though.
