Post by mandy on Nov 30, 2007 12:06:40 GMT -5
Not sure where to begin..I guess I will kind give a brief overview of where I came from before getting to where I am now...
I grew up in a horrible home with my mother and step father (who adopted me) and an older brother. I was abused physically, sexually, and verbally. My mother tried to kill me on one occasion directly and indirectly on another occasion. This occurred while she was professing to be an ardent christian. To see the way she was at church and to know how she was at home.....well that speaks for itself. I grew up feeling very angry and alone. I would run away and my probation officer would send me off to childrens homes more for my protection then because of my being a problem child. One of those homes was a christian home that further skewed my view of Christ. I joined the military, had children, was married and divorced twice, and was generally being a person of the world.
As mentioned in another thread I kept feeling a pull when I would see the previews for the Passion of the Christ movie, so I finally went by myself one day to the matinee. The whole way home all I could do was cry and keep saying "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" over and over. That night I prayed like I had never prayed before, from my heart, and accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I would like to say and "I lived happily ever after" but that is not the case. I , like many people, believed that as soon as I became christian I would immediately bear all the fruits of the Spirit and would be the model christian. Frustration at this not being so led to me, wrongly, being angry at God and I fell away.
6 months ago I renewed my relationship with the Lord, focusing more on building a relationship with Him and learning about Him instead of "acting" a certain way. And now I see Him in parts of my life. I am still shy, I still have difficulties expressing myself openly with people, but so much of my anger is gone. And I forgave my mother finally. I do not see her because I feel it would be dangerous for my family, but I have forgiven her. My stepfather died seven years ago, and I had forgiven him shortly after my initial conversion, but my anger for my mother lingered. It is only through God's love that I have been able to forgive her. I heard a statement once and I remind myself of it from time to time because it impacted me so much when I first heard it.
"God loves you just as you are right now" not meaning I shouldn't try to maintain my relationship and be obedient but meaning He loved me at my worst, He loved me where I was two years ago, He loves me where I am at today, and will love me tomorrow..in short He loves me UNCONDITIONALLY. And for that I am eternally thankful!
And that is the short version. I still struggle at times submiting to my husband. I will say that covering has helped me tremendously with that...and prayer and reading my Bible. I find myself wanting to read my Bible so badly at times...which brings me great joy. I want to hunger for the Lord and always be seeking a closer relationship with Him.
I grew up in a horrible home with my mother and step father (who adopted me) and an older brother. I was abused physically, sexually, and verbally. My mother tried to kill me on one occasion directly and indirectly on another occasion. This occurred while she was professing to be an ardent christian. To see the way she was at church and to know how she was at home.....well that speaks for itself. I grew up feeling very angry and alone. I would run away and my probation officer would send me off to childrens homes more for my protection then because of my being a problem child. One of those homes was a christian home that further skewed my view of Christ. I joined the military, had children, was married and divorced twice, and was generally being a person of the world.
As mentioned in another thread I kept feeling a pull when I would see the previews for the Passion of the Christ movie, so I finally went by myself one day to the matinee. The whole way home all I could do was cry and keep saying "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" over and over. That night I prayed like I had never prayed before, from my heart, and accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I would like to say and "I lived happily ever after" but that is not the case. I , like many people, believed that as soon as I became christian I would immediately bear all the fruits of the Spirit and would be the model christian. Frustration at this not being so led to me, wrongly, being angry at God and I fell away.
6 months ago I renewed my relationship with the Lord, focusing more on building a relationship with Him and learning about Him instead of "acting" a certain way. And now I see Him in parts of my life. I am still shy, I still have difficulties expressing myself openly with people, but so much of my anger is gone. And I forgave my mother finally. I do not see her because I feel it would be dangerous for my family, but I have forgiven her. My stepfather died seven years ago, and I had forgiven him shortly after my initial conversion, but my anger for my mother lingered. It is only through God's love that I have been able to forgive her. I heard a statement once and I remind myself of it from time to time because it impacted me so much when I first heard it.
"God loves you just as you are right now" not meaning I shouldn't try to maintain my relationship and be obedient but meaning He loved me at my worst, He loved me where I was two years ago, He loves me where I am at today, and will love me tomorrow..in short He loves me UNCONDITIONALLY. And for that I am eternally thankful!
And that is the short version. I still struggle at times submiting to my husband. I will say that covering has helped me tremendously with that...and prayer and reading my Bible. I find myself wanting to read my Bible so badly at times...which brings me great joy. I want to hunger for the Lord and always be seeking a closer relationship with Him.