My Testimony long

[nocternal]

Well I said in title that this is long. I'll try to make it short but I'm not good at that. I lived with my Mother and 3 brothers my Dad was in the Navy and I only saw him when he was on leave. When Veitnam war was over he never came back he found someone else and we were not important to him anymore. I was 7 when my mom took us to and independent ,fundamental baptist church. I loved Dr. Rodney L. Bell he was a real good preacher but I was just a kid. I was saved sometime in September of 1968. I didn't go to Junior church I wanted to stay for big church cause I loved Pastor Bell's preaching. Till he preached on Hell. He had a way of painting a really scary picture in one's head of Hell. I went forward and a lady lead me to Jesus. Pastor Bell baptisted me Oct.12, 1968 on a cold wet rainy Sunday night. After a while my mom stopped taking us to church and I became a bus kid. I did not grow up in a christian home but that bus took me to that good church. When I started riding the bus I had to go to Junior church but I ended up liking it. I rode the bus to church from 1969 -1974 then our family moved to Michigan and we didn't go to church anymore. I was 13 and soon fell in with the ways of the world. By 15 I was smoking (stupid I've had asthma all my life) and by 16 I left home. At 17 got married by 19 it was over he found anther woman just like my dad. Fortunatly we had no kids. I never used birth control in my life. I got mixed up with a guy that admited later he killed his wife and I was 4 months along with his child. I turned him in. I had a beautiful daughter. I wanted to raise her right so I started going to church again another IFB. My ex in-laws had moved to Greenville SC near Bob Jones University and wanted me and my daughter to live with them so they came and picked me up and took me there. I continued going to church but I wasn't really living for Jesus. Then when my daughter was 7and1/2 months we went to bed as usual and I woke up and found her dead. I tried to draw close to God but my pain was too great. Three months after her death I prayed my last prayer. I told God I was never going to talk to him again or go to church and if he really existed I hated him. That was 1982.
I moved by to Michigan and stayed with my Mom till I could find someone else to live with. That someone is now my husband. We've been together since fall of 1982 till present we didn't marry till 1987. We had our first daughter in Nov.1988. our second in 1990.Before the kids we partied alot and I learned to handle alcohol. After kids that kind of just stopped for me but I still was addicted to cigarettes. When my daughters were 4 and 2 all the memory verses I learned as a kid were haunting me now at night. I feared that if I kept quiet about Jesus I would be guilty of sending them to Hell. After visiting several churches I finally found one that taught from the KJV and thats the one I'm attending now. That was 1995 and I knew that was the right church but I was too scared talk to God, I told him I would never talk to him again. So I ran. Then I got pregnant again it was a shock but my husband wanted me to have an abortion. I ran to that church and beg them to please pray for my husband cause I could never do this. Well my husband finally accepted my pregnancy and we have a son now. When our son was a year old I asked God if he would please help me quit smoking. He did and I started back going to church. I worked 3rd shift and spent many hours in my bible looking for proof that God could forgive me. I knew John 3:16, Romans Road and 1John 1:9. It didn't help that I knew that, it made me feel worse that I did cause that meant I knew better but went against what I knew. That made me the worst sinner of all sinners. My guilt was tremendous, I stood before a Holy God with no excuse for my sinful, filthy life. I'm sorry sure didn't sound good enough. I cried many tears as I truly felt I blew it with God. Then one New Year's Eve I came home from church and spent more time in the Bible. I cried and cried as I had many times during that period and I told God that I would not ask the preacher and that if I couldn't find proof in his word that I could be forgiven that I would just believe that I was damned but please save my children.
The next day after the girls went to school and it was just me an my son I took my bible out again and begged God to please show me I could be forgiven. I'm not sure what I read before I got to Hosea but after I read Hosea I knew God would forgive me. I cried now because that was mercy that I didn't understand. I certainly didn't deserve forgiveness. That was my road back to Jesus. I never ever want to get that far from God again. So that's it and as short as I can make it. I settled everything January 1,1998.
I'm still with my unsaved husband and I'm unequally yoked.

[Tammy]

Dear Sister Laurie,
I'm glad Jesus saves, too! Thank you for sharing your testimony. Jesus can save your husband, too!
Sis Tammy

[nocternal]

All glory I can thank him now. when people started talking about meeting family members in Heaven she is the only family member there that I have.

[allglorytogod]

Dear Laurie

I'm very sorry you lost your daughter

Love, your sister

[mitchell]

Dear Nocternal,

I'm sure a lot of us feel that our lives, in all the messiness of our many sins and faults, are well, just that - messy. I know for myself that just today in my loneliness it occurred to me just how messy my own life has been and how it seemed like years ago I could get in trouble and shame just walking from the house to the car! My judgement as a young woman was very naive and I was just lucky that I didn't get into serious difficulties. I ended up married to my first very serious boyfriend (going on 44 yrs. now), but I had been very immature and easily sweet-talked and manipulated by him - and he might just as easily have dumped me and left me pregnant and alone. I wasn't pregnant when we married, but I had lacked discretion with him because of my gullibility as a 17 yr. old girl and, thus, could just as well have been.

I know people whose lives appear for all intents and purposes to have been "ippsy pippsy perfect", and for some, I think that is true and I admire and envy them that. Maybe they were fortunate enough to be in a stable family and be homeschooled or in a Christian school and church, blessed with a naturally patient and quiet disposition made more perfect by following Christ from the get-go. - My life wasn't like that and a lot of people's lives aren't like that. I WISH a lot of things were different, but we have to live TODAY, not YESTERDAY or TOMORROW. One day at a time, the best we can.

I know what it is like to lose a baby. I miscarried in my fifth month many years ago. Then we later had a baby with numerous birth defects and he died at about six weeks of age. My husband had an affair after that, and with all the difficulties I'd had with pregnancies, and then that situation, I just didn't fully trust him not to leave me alone to raise the one child we had that was normal and fine along with possible future children that might be handicapped due to my physical weaknesses. - I know that's not the fairy tale ending we like to hear, but that is the truth of my life - and I am still thankful and have grown to trust the Lord and cast my cares upon Him more all the time. I'm thankful for what I have, for my husband and all his good qualities and the blessings the Lord provides.

May the Lord's grace, favor and love be upon you, Nocternal. You are dear.

M.

[allglorytogod]

Dear Mitchell

You mention those who grew up in a stable home, were homeschooled or went to a Christian school ... I didn't have those things either.

How I wished I had a nice Christian atmosphere home. But like you said we have to live TODAY ... our past we put behind us and move on.

I've come a very long way since then spiritually speaking. God can change anyone. But let me add I still need more changes in my life ... I'm not perfect ... no one is

Very sorry to hear about two children you lost. You said later in post " handicapped due to my physical weaknesses " ... sorry, I didn't understand what you meant by this.

Still learning and growing every day
Love, your sister

[kscarle]

thank you for sharing your testimony with us and welcome to the board...I do not know what it is like to lose a child to death, but my daughter just recently lost a baby and now she is expecting again. It did hurt to see my child pained in such a way...I have three other daughters I have not seen in years and I miss them terribly...

[mitchell]

Oh, I'm not too good at clarifying things. What I meant by "handicapped by my physical weaknesses" was that I had terrible female problems from the time of puberty all the way until I finally had a partial hysterectomy at 40. I suppose it must have been a hormonal thing, and I think it was probably a miracle that I was even able to have one normal pregnancy. I am convinced that the awful dysmenorrhea and other female problems that I had contributed to both the miscarriage and the birth defects of Michael (the baby that died at 6 weeks of age) . It's difficult to try to explain in much detail the meaning of "terrible female problems" without probably discussing what might be termed delicate subjects most likely not suitable for a mixed crowd. - I prayed a lot all during those years (probably not all that well, but I did pray as best as I knew how), had a lot of stress during that time due to some demanding family relationships and expectations.

Anyway, it is true that whatever doesn't kill us does make us stronger. That's not scripture, but I think there's something to it.

I am more knowledgeable now about herbs and alternative medicine and would probably know more what to do now to help myself to at least do my part to alleviate my symptoms; but I was functioning then on what I understood to do then.

So, now, "whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are lovely, pure, of good report, if there be any virtue, it there be any praise, think on these things". It's very important that we do that, very important not to hang up in the past.

So much of what other people have done to us may have truly been caused by plain evil in them; however, some of it may have been due to brain injuries or other abuse injuries in their early childhoods - and then, too, now we have the environmental toxins so prevalent in our food and water supplies. So many things can contribute (not excusing anyone wrongdoing) to someone's strange or bad treatment of others or bad behavior. Poor nutrition (due to ignorance or laziness) can also contribute to bad behaviors, sadly. Not excusing any of it; but I am so often reminded that it is a good thing that Christ is the judge of all and not me who is the judge.

Whatever it is, we have to rise above it - and forgive. Not to say we are to keep on being around people who are either abusive or dangerous to us or our children. God gave us common sense not to continue relationships with immoral people who can hurt us or our children.

M.

[benshelpmeet]

Dear sister, Thank you for your precious testimony! I cried... How good the Lord is to bring us through all our pain and suffering and to strengthen us so we can strengthen others.

We all do not have the same situations in our past, but alot of us have very troubling situations that were immensely painful ( we can still feel the pain, loneliness, longing, hardship, darkness, etc ) but now we know Jesus and He uses our past to make us thankful. We now walk with the Lord and can be used to encourage others and we can relate and feel others pain. God is so good.

You are a blessing!

I want to thank the other sisters who posted and shared their feelings. It blesses my heart to read these precious posts.

May the Lord bless you sweet sisters!

~ Darlene ~